Deciding to stay home with Little Lady was one of the hardest and easiest decisions of my life. My plan was to return to work after Little Lady was 3 months old, to a job I loved, with people who do truly exceptional work everyday. But when I held Little Lady in my arms, I couldn't imagine leaving her. I tried and it just broke my heart. It didn't help that she wouldn't take any bottle we offered and consequently never took a bottle her entire year-long nursing career. I resigned from my job with 100% certainty I was doing the right thing for my family, and 100% doubt I would ever find a job I loved so much again.
Some people might say I was crazy; crazy to leave, crazy to fill my days with cloth diapers, library storytime, stroller walks, and everything else "baby", but it it made sense to me, and I love it everyday, and even on the days I don't love it, I am thankful for the opportunity to never miss a thing.
What I never anticipated was the feeling of being left behind. Left behind in my career, left behind as a functioning member of society with anything more to contribute than what the best brand of laundry detergent is at the moment, left behind in all things "intellectual". People try and be encouraging by saying that I'm leaning new things, baby and toddler things, and by trial and error half the time!
And it's nice.
But it's hard.
It's hard when The Hubby gets a promotion and a raise, and I get pooped on - literally poop on my hands. It's hard to wonder what my skill set will look like when I return to the workforce someday in the future when our kids are grown. It's hard to not hear the words "you're doing a good job" more often than on Mother's Day. It's hard when you are having a tough day for someone to say "but you're JUST taking care of the baby." It's hard to not question if you did the right thing by staying home.
I admire women so much who have careers and a family because that's hard. I also admire women who stay home with 1, 2, 3 or more kids because that's hard.
There is no easy choice and there is certainly no right or wrong answer. Just sometimes, it's hard - says the village idiot
Yes. I agree with you. I find myself occasionally holding adults "hostage" to talk with a grown-up. I love it though too.
ReplyDelete:) I love it! I have not gotten to the "hostage-holding" point yet, but I am sure that will happen when the Little Lady gives up her naps!
DeleteLittle Niece, DO NOT let anyone make you feel less than you are. You and Paula are so much alike. She stayed home with her two kids. And too some extent still does. I wish I could go back and stay home myself. I missed so much! You take every day with Little Miss and feel blessed to do it! You might not have the fancy car or the new cloths. But you have something worth so much more. The love and respect of those who know you and Little Miss for being there to kiss that boo boo and seeing her smile and eyes light up when she discovers new things! So carry on the job as Mother. You're doing a good job! I love you! Phyllis
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind words Aunt Phyllis. You are exactly right that I have something worth so much when I see my little one smile and learn something new. I love those moments, and they make every other tough moment pale in comparison!
DeleteThanks for sharing this, Kristina. You're right. It's oh so worth it and oh so hard at the same time. It's easier for me now that I'm 3.5+ years into it but still not easy all the time. I've been meaning to blog about this myself so thanks for prompting me to do it soon! And I also sometimes find myself adding, "I DO have a master's degree by the way" to the end of sentences that generally involve the word, "poop"! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement Laura! I should have added "sometimes it's hard to be transparent!" because as I am sure you can understand, sharing your thoughts and dreams and worries on the internet for all the read is hard!
Delete